Catching UP

 

Since I last posted a lot has happened; I had attended a 30-day substance abuse treatment center in which I re-learned and developed some tools to help me get back on track. I went back to work (at a treatment center) with my beloved boss and co-workers and due to budget cuts was laid off (not fired). I also published a heartfelt book of poems that I have accumulated over time here is the link if you are interested: Check this out on Amazon ❤

Despite some throbbing challenges in my life and behaviors I have been feeling relatively positive and energized about my life and recovery. Moving back in with my mom and daughter has been the best possible situation for me right now. They are my home. I am beyond grateful to be able to be close to them and share in each other’s lives and be a part of my daughter’s growth.

But aside from all the gifts being in recovery has given me; which are many and I am grateful for…I have also become aware. I have become aware of myself and the things that need to change, the progress I have made and how far I have yet to go. It’s like being naked in Times Square. At least that is what it feels like sometimes…just bare, raw.

And I am learning running doesn’t get me anywhere fast.

I have to walk through the situations that arise not run or use to escape and that is HARD. I am addicted to MORE. I realize that my addiction affects me in every area of my life. I want to grow and to become better in all areas of my life but I know if I don’t get a grip on my spiritual void I will never make it.

This week I am going to practice full on rigorous honesty in everything I do because they also say “secrets keep you sick” and I want to be well. The acronym for Denial is D-ont E-even N -o I-am L-ying. That is where I have been in and didn’t even realize it. I am so thankful for awareness and others people’s ability to see what I can’t see to help guide me and redirect me.

 

I have been spending more quality time with my daughter and it has been awesome. I want to be a better mother for her, she tells me I am the “best mommy ever.” She has the sweetest energy and purest soul I wish she could stay this age forever. I remember what I was like at 8 and 9 and I am TERRIFIED of what that is going to look like when the time comes. For now she is my sweet, precious innocent baby girl who sees me the way God sees me and loves me with a pure heart.

I am inspired.

I put the book of poems together to see it done for myself and to share my heart and soul with whoever took an interest. I will continue to try and spread the word and am also working on a second book (more autobiographical) and look forward to its completion.

 

 

One Promise.

A lot has gone on since the last time I posted, so I am going to get you caught up =). My last post celebrated motherhood(my mother, the joy of being a mother and mothers everywhere).

The post before that I confessed about being almost pushed over “the edge” towards relapse/ suicide. I had moved out of the sober living I went back into (for a “boost” in my recovery) and was now back at home with my mom and daughter.

I am beyond grateful to be clean and getting better.

Last week I got to experience going to the NA convention and roomed with my best girl friends and had a BLAST. I really needed to hear everything that was shared. Being around over 2,000 CLEAN addicts was amazing and remembering where I was just 2 years ago at that same convention. Sleeping on the floor of the Narathon meeting room with no self respect so I allowed another sick addict to molest me while I was “sleeping .”

I have forgiven myself and that person.

The speaker on the last day of the convention told my story and I cried, and cried, and FINALLLY felt like I wasn’t ALONE in regards to being a black female who was labeled a “white girl” because of the way that my voice sounded when I spoke, my choice of words and my enunciation.

This woman talked about her issues with hating herself for being too black, too fat, too tall, too white, not black enough, nappy hair etc…I was AMAZED. I don’t usually cry during shares or very easily in general not because I’m a bad ass but because of my medication. But wow, she brought it out of me and I sobbed in gratitude, love, heartache, hope, relation, and so many more nouns I cant think of right now.

You know I had to get her number, matter of fact I text her today just to reach out.

I too, for the longest time loathed who I was ,and what looked, sounded like,  and the things I’ve done or had been done to me.

I have been caught up in the rapture of some old behaviors and really need to slow down. I am so grateful that I have tools and people who have been through some of the things I am going through and have made it to the other side clean.

I have been dealing with intense obsession, compulsion, impulsion and some inappropriate behavior.

If I didn’t have a sponsor or the fellowship I wouldn’t know that it is normal what I am going through and that there IS a SOLUTION.  I am happy that although I made some questionable choices in the last couple weeks I didn’t use so things didn’t get worse and I am very thankful for that.  

I am learning to forgive myself also when I make mistakes even repeated mistakes. Self-pity and self-loathing don’t get me anywhere but back to misery, alienation, and using.  I know that I am not alone anymore so I seek help when I get into these situations and find strength in other’s experience, strength and hope.

Some people are out there and don’t know that there is help available to them or they aren’t ready for help yet. I want to share a resource that can provide help to those who need it and seek it The Phoenix Treatment Center is a nationally recognized, highly successful and empathetic treatment center that deals with drug and alcohol addictions as well as co- occurring disorders.

Pass this information along to anyone you know who may be suffering with alcoholism, drug dependency and/or a dual diagnosis.  There is also a facility located in Vegas, Nevada and scholarships are available.

I wish I knew before that help was available to me but I guess it wasn’t my time to grasp the idea of recovery. Like they say “when you can stop…you don’t want to and when you want to stop…you can’t.”

I am just taking things one second, one minute, one day, one thing at a time.  Life isn’t by any means perfect but it IS getting better. They didn’t promise me a house, a sexy husband or even a pool in the back yard…but thy did promise me freedom from active addiction and for the last 7 1/2 months they have fulfilled that promise. Thank you.

Recognition of Motherhood.

Warm Thoughts

When I think about my mom, how much love and devotion she has displayed to me, how many times she’s been to hell and back for me, her patience with me, and her understanding,  I get a warm sensation in my soul that soothes and pushes me forward. Though my mom was a single mother she had a few helpers in raising me; as they say “it takes a village to raise a child.”

I can recall my older cousins babysitting me or taking me with them to the park, all the ladies in the kitchen cooking for holidays or BBQ’s ,or more specifically my aunt stepping in as I got older and needed direction; I was lost and my mom was 3,000 miles away. I remember my grandma repeatedly letting me crash in her one bedroom assisted living home, breaking the rules  just so I could have somewhere safe and warm to sleep.  My Godmother ( whom is no longer in my life due to my old behavior)  taking me in and trying to show me a better life and helping my mom when things became too stressful with me.

I have a family jam packed with women, out numbering the men 5:1. I have watched them struggle and triumph, get in relationships and get out of relationships, go to school, drop out of school (including me), and/or finish school. I have watched their dreams and desires take a backseat as they put their little ones first (as it should be)  and hold down their household.  It can be such a thankless job at times but somehow Mother’s seem to make it work and push through .

I have so much love, admiration and respect for all mothers everywhere.

Giving Credit Where It’s Due

I know that it gets overwhelming at times, and lonely. Sometimes it doesn’t stop raining, but one thing I have realized about all the mother’s I know is that no matter how many lemons life gives them they always seem to make the best damn lemonade in town!

My mom always gave me her best and I always did the worst. I was  a very troubled child.  It has only been recently that I have been able to give her some relief and that still varies from day to day.  If it wasn’t for my mom’s unconditional love and support I would not be in a much better place now.

Simply, Mother’s keep the world turning.

Another Personal Note

As far as my motherhood, it has been the most beautiful blessing to me, I was headed for destruction and though my daughter didn’t stop me from attempting to kill myself, the sheer thought of her brought me back to life. I am still learning, growing and adapting to being a parent while simultaneously “being parented.” I am so grateful that God blessed me with my mom and my baby girl we make quite the family. I know its not easy and I know there is no instruction book but us moms have been making it happen since creation.

In honor of Mother’s Day I wrote something from the heart that expresses some of how I feel about mother’s and motherhood. It does not represent all of how I feel as words cannot fully contain how I feel about my mom or any of the moms I know but it is from the heart nonetheless.

A Poem for Her

Her hips bore life that multiplied unto this dying Earth

Despite all her victories she underestimates all that she is worth

Many times she’s been sold dreams to get underneath her skirt

Her heart has felt much pain yet her tears were never seen and she did not display her hurt

Life has given her many lemons but never what she deserved Her heart wept silently when her efforts were never returned

Every year she survives that’s another stripe she has earned

She looks at the way people behave not the things that were heard

She carries the world on her shoulders and the kitchen sink in her purse

Always came in last by putting others first Always gave her very best only to prepare for the worst

And sometimes on her good days she can be quite a flirt

She is a rare find, divinely designed, one of a kind of girl

A mother ,sister, friend, the caregiver of this world.

To all mothers out there, THANK YOU. For being real, for being strong, for being kind and patient, for being concerned, for your determination, for your love, for your honesty. THANK YOU for so much more.

 

~HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY WITH LOVE~

Hospitalization, Realization and 82 Year Old Birthdaycake

Venting

It has been a couple weeks since I’ve written and I kind of just need to release honestly and share my humanity with those who may understand.

After moving into the sober living and making some connections with the women there, attending a meeting a day, I ultimately realized I couldn’t afford it so I ended up moving back home. It was a great experience, a new experience that I am grateful to have had. Being there gave me a sense of independence and self- sufficiency that I hope to continue to cultivate even though I’m back home with my mom.

But that wasn’t  what I wanted to share, that isn’t what I need to share. There is healing in the truth. So please allow me to heal.

In the Hands of my Higher Power

I don’t know what pushed me over the edge but I was grateful my higher power caught me.  Being in recovery has been one hell of a journey and by the graces of God I am alive today to walk that path he has laid out for me.

I was flirting with disaster and my friend was my wing-man. Though we are both newcomers to recovery, somehow we thought we could help each other. What started as a normal discussion with a friend turned dangerous and was almost the very decision that took my life. My friend and I were talking about escaping our feelings and pressures by getting high. Going into detail divulging our hidden desires to use and abuse. Being sober comes with great willpower and confidence, and at the time I felt drained of all of that.

The conversation became so intense that our stomachs started bubbling and we felt the sensations as if we were already on our way to pick up. Well we kinda were.

It startled me how much I wanted, pined, desired to throw it all away. We went back and forth about why we shouldn’t yet how good it would feel for just that one moment of weakness; for just one moment for that high that I abandoned long ago. My friend even reminded me to look into the back seat and to see my daughter’s car seat, my heart sank and my stomach dropped. What was I thinking?

We would both look at each other to reassure one another that getting loaded was behind us, that we would not go that far beyond a wild conversation, but I knew inside how I felt.

The struggle was real, the craving was real, and in that moment I was vulnerable.

Powerless

We didn’t use but I surely hated my disease at that point. Feeding that hunger that I have been able to control for so long drained me causing me to crash. To forget about my daughter, to forget about my mother, my health, my friends; all of those things that matter more to me than a fix slipped out of sight leaving me more vulnerable than I imagined.

I felt like the germs on the back of a toilet in a dirty gas station for having those thoughts. I hated myself for being an addict and that manifested thoughts of other ways I hated myself. Yet again, I was confined to the prison that is my dark mind.

Calling my mom, I cried all the way home desperately trying to latch on to her for support in my moment of crisis.  I knew that this moment would define me, this moment, my moment of uncertainty could be my last.

I got home and felt so resentful, hopeless, defeated (cursed even) and I wasn’t in a good place.

I tried to be rational, to remember all the things that I was grateful for and could easily lose but my disease was relentless and my mind quickly dismissed love with self-loathing. It dismissed appreciation and gratitude for self centeredness and carelessness I wasn’t in a good place at all. I was torn. I wanted to use so bad.

I was caught in a downward spiral and the hands I was reaching for were so far out of my reach ( in my mind) I was pulled under.

I was going to check the fuck out and I had a nasty plan to end it all.

I had just filled my psych prescriptions the other day and with my hands clutching the bottles I thought to myself ” I could take all these meds and then it will all be okay.”

In my final moment of rational thought I reached out to my sponsor and texted her what I was thinking.

Staring at my phone for a reply my mind was overcome with destruction and conviction.

Negative thoughts polluted my mind and I buckled under the struggle of self-worth and despair until I shattered into a million pieces.

I anticipated a response a few moment longer.

Hands shaking with doom, I went downstairs with the bag of pills consumed with my decision.

The Final Countdown

You would like to think I was fearful or unsure, but at that moment the weight of the world on my shoulders was all I feared and the only thing I was unsure about was how many would be enough.

I grabbed a water bottle, dumped the pills in my hand and took them all in 2 swigs. Not 5 or 10; but 30 pills entered my system. I was on a roller coaster called Lithium and Risperdal and the destination was oblivion and beyond.

Of all the feelings that I felt, being frantically rushed to the hospital in front of my mom and my daughter made me feel so disconnected and shameful, reminded me of all those times my mom tried to rescue me from the pits of hell and I slammed the door leaving her on the other side, and I vowed from that moment once I get stable I am going to do my utmost to LIVE for me, for them.

I was in that hospital for three days giving me time to reflect and heal from the abuse I caused my body, and the burden and hurt I left on my family and job one more time. I learned how persistently my addiction and co-occurring disorder worked against me and how the cravings nearly ended me.

Now, I feel a stab of regret. How I was willing to leave it all behind, my daughter, my mother, my friends, my employment. Ingesting those pills instead of finding another solution will weigh heavy on my conscious.  But that weight will remind me from this moment forward of what not to do. It will remind of who I do not want to be, it will remind me of what I almost left behind and it will remind me that my actions do not only affect me.

Upon my release, I felt like it was  a brand new day and I had a new perspective. I was actually grateful to be alive, the air smelled different and my un-bathed skin glistened in the sun. I reflected on the fact, I could have died, I took enough pills to kill me and it would have been a very uncomfortable road to oblivion. But it wasn’t my time to go and it isn’t my decision to make. More importantly there is still purpose in my life.

The Comforts of Family

My beloved grandma and favorite, endearing aunt are here visiting from the East Coast and I am so happy to have them here. My aunt has been in recovery for 7 years and has been a very instrumental part in my recovery. My grandma gets to see me in a good place for once and I am so thrilled to be able to be present while she’s here and we can enjoy each other, because as she reminds me often she “won’t be here for much longer.”

I have an amazing, resilient, patient, supportive mother if you haven’t noticed already. She really puts the “P” in phenomenal.  I wish she could have all that she deserves and I hope to one day make her proud.

We have a small but beautiful and blessed family (me, my mother and my daughter, extended friends & family)  that unfortunately many never have the opportunity to exist with.

I am blessed and I thank my Higher Power everyday, throughout the day for all my blessings and lessons. I ask for Him to help me become the woman he created me to be and ask for forgiveness for what I had become.

Upon returning to work I had a very good meeting with my understanding boss who enforced some expectations but also encouraged me and lifted me up. I work in a place that accepts my disabilities and learning curve, and allows for me to be myself in an environment based around recovery and growing. I am so grateful for that and appreciate being there. I ask my HP to help me to be the best employee I can be no matter the task.

My grandma’s 82 birthday was the just the other day and we went to Red Lobster for dinner but before we could sit down my grandma got sick so we took her home and ordered Chinese. Then grandma blew out candles on a very rich chocolate birthday cake! She loved it.

I am learning to learn from my mistakes and to forgive myself. I am also learning that running never gets me anywhere. I have to walk through whatever I am faced with and as long as I don’t use or die I have a chance of making it through to the other side to another victory.

Bi-Polar.

I am a 26-year-old, African American female who has a co-occurring/ dual-diagnosis disorder. I am 5 months into my recovery from mind altering substances.

I was diagnosed bi-polar when I was 21, before then starting at the age of 11 I had seen countless doctors and psychiatrists who had misdiagnosed me with various disorders like ADD/ADHD, depression and anger management issues.

I always knew that something was different about me. It seemed like I was riding on a very steep and very thrilling roller coaster all my life.

When I was happy I was EXTREMELY happy and floated on cloud nine. I felt like I could conquer the world and I had BIG ideas.

But, I always came crashing down back to a dim reality and I was for lack of a better term “a complete bitch,” irritable, negative, depressed, hopeless. Many occasions I attempted to take my own life whether I was sober or intoxicated.

I felt paranoid, I still do sometimes even when abstinent.

I realize now looking back that my substance abuse and need for destructive behavior was a result of not having the proper treatment for my co-occurring illness.

I just wanted to feel “normal” for so long I have felt alienated from society because of the prison that is my mind. So I tried to numb it out and “level” out. It was not successful. Using drugs and alcohol only exacerbated my symptoms and caused more chaos in my life and ignited my addiction.

My diagnosis is Bi-polar (with psychotic features-paranoia, hallucinations, voices), borderline personality disorder, PTSD, and anxiety. I am recovering from a multitude of drugs (1 year) including alcohol (5months). I am so grateful for today and how far my Higher Power and the 12-step program has taken me.

I am so grateful for insurance and medication. Without it my life would be complete chaos. Taking my medication everyday on time is VERY important. I do not take any narcotic medication because it could threaten my recovery.

 

I have to address both my addiction and my mental illness because they go hand in hand. I cannot focus on one and not the other it just doesn’t work. Tried it. Here are some of the things I do to keep moving forward on the path of recovery:

 

I go to meetings.

I call my sponsor everyday (who is a master’s level social worker ironically).

I take my medication on time, every day.

I spend quality time with my mom and my daughter

I don’t drink or use drugs (one day at a time).

I try to eat healthy (sometimes).

I go to therapy.

I share about how I feel and where I’m at with people who care.

I go to work even when I don’t want to and try to do the best I can.

I am open and honest with my doctors and case managers.

I pray and do the “next right thing”

Everyone has a story, and everyone’s path to recovery is different – what works for me may not work for someone else and vice versa. I am also grateful for awareness and education. It has helped me tremendously in learning to live with and manage my symptoms.

My fear is that my daughter will have to endure some of the same issues I have psychologically. I hope that if she does, I will be prepared to encourage and help guide her in how to overcome her obstacles.

Being bi-polar doesn’t have to be a prison sentence however it is also not an unlimited pass to Disney World. This diagnosis has opened up my eyes and has given me gratitude on so many levels.

Not a Fairytale

Background

I wrote this a while back. I’m sharing it now because it relates to me today. Even though I am not using substances, I have still been chasing a “high” or a “feeling”. I have to really get down to basics and change somethings in my life that I feel scared or unwilling to but in the end its necessary and if I want to stay sober and live…I will go to any lengths. I feel like moving into this sober living was a great idea I’ve already started feeling better…thing will continue to fall into place as long as I just “do the next right thing” as my sponsor always tells me. My mom is going to be going to Brazil this week I’m excited for her to have a good time and get a vacation. I’m going to do my best to stay on track while she’s away. I feel insecure that I’m not a 100% full time mother but I have to give myself a break and be grateful that I have help in place to get me to where I need to go. I am grateful. Here is a piece of my heart…

“Not a Fairytale”

She wasn’t jaded she was tainted, yet her heart still remained.

She liked the sunshine but she learned to dance in the rain and when it hailed she sprinkled down some salt and prevailed; this is the story of a girl…but it ain’t no fairytale.

She could never be picture perfect, compared her insides to others outsides; she was always lurking. Never thought she could amount to being anything her voice was crippled and she didn’t sound the “color coded same”.

This little girl used to cut inhaling sobbing breath, deep slices on her arm she tried to kill herself. People in her family said she wanted some attention, she didn’t fit in and at school she always landed in detention.

She wasn’t the baddest she was average and she was fairly smart.

There was a hole inside her from the knife in her broken heart…everyday it felt like she was falling apart her first experience with love was with three boys at a park.

She had a great start to some it seemed, she would smile through her tears and she would daydream about getting straight A’s and making a change.

She dreamed of bright lights and killing it up on stage but she couldn’t control her depression it turned to self-hate and as the rolled on she had a few dates with rape.

Her mom was so distraught her baby girl was wasting away; she did her best to help but there was nothing left she could say.

Her hips got wider; clothes got tighter and showed off her brown legs and for the price of her soul you could take her to bed with her you would have a time you would never forget though in the morning one would always regret.

She blazed a trail straight through hell and might never come back.

Things got worse she went from this to that. At 18yrs old she went from snorting to smoking crack.

At any man’s request she’d bend and gently arch her back; death was in her sights she relentlessly attacked.

Through her insanity she bounced through different states, inhaling smoke clouds and snorting off different powdered plates.

Anyone could see this little girl had really lost her way…she had been looking for love in all the wrong places; searching in all the dead ends and all the empty faces.

She would always find that one that wanted to love her, that special guy who would put nothing above her.

They loved her smile, her style and her laugh would make them excited; they’d been with others but this girl was nothing like them.

It always ended pretty badly for she was extremely damaged and every one of their hearts was left wounded and bandaged, but for her the seed they left will be forever planted.

-I.Renee

 

 

 

 

 

Ups, Downs, Choices and Being Awake All Night.

Gratitude

Well, it has been a couple of weeks since I’ve written anything and I must say it has been a wild ride recently. I am so grateful for God’s love, grace and mercy and for what I have and who I have in my life. Even though there are rough times it continues to get better each day, each victory…especially every day I go to bed sober and free.

The past couple weeks I have been having some extreme ups and downs mentally and it has been a sometimes seemingly futile battle. Like I said before I don’t look at my diagnosis as a badge of honor but I do have to keep in mind that I have some other outside things that I have to take care of in accordance with my recovery from addiction.

 

Dual-Diagnosis: Suicidal Ideation

Mental illness and addiction often go hand in hand. A lot of times they are left untreated and/or one is treated but not the other. I have always had some mental health issues since I was young and I believe that I started using substances more heavily to self-medicate my “differences”. Needless to say it didn’t work. It just created in me a dependency I’ll be surrendering to the rest of my life.

Last week I was stuck between taking my own life, getting so loaded on drugs that I would eventually die, just running away or going to the psych hospital and staying there for a while. I couldn’t escape my thoughts, they were viciously intrusive and dark and I had nowhere to run. All of the above options I just mentioned sound great to me when I am paralyzed by fear, depression, embarrassment, shame, sadness and hopelessness. However, they contradict all of my aspirations and dreams as well as destroy any chance that my daughter will have a present mother; ensuring that my mother will have to bury her only child.

Spiritual Connection; Family and Love

My higher power is so amazing. I choose to call “Him” God but I do not knock ANYONE’S beliefs or lack thereof. My HP gives me strength and courage, answers my prayers and lights my path. While I was feeling all of this despair I went to work every day (then I took 3 days off because I just needed to breathe) and I did the best I could with the help of my phenomenal mother and my badass sponsor not to mention, I work in the best place possible for someone like me.

During this time, I had found a mental health treatment center I desperately wanted to get into because amidst all of the negative thoughts, I had been experiencing trauma related memories and anxiety. They didn’t accept my insurance to keep a long story short and therefore, I came up with another idea I hope I don’t regret: move into sober living again.

Powerless and Desperate…Change

My mom and my sponsor were kind of at a loss of how to best help me, shit I was kind of at a loss of how to help me too. I prayed, and I prayed, and I prayed some more. The idea of leaving my daughter was terrifying and heartbreaking but the alternative (jails, institutions, death) was much worse…So, I decided to do it.

I picked a sober living I had lived at one time before and had a good rapport with the manager. I moved in this past Friday and so far it feels comfortable and I feel good about it. I am excited to propel my recovery forward and become more active in the program that is saving my life one day at a time.

I cannot express enough how blessed and grateful I am. Even though my life and mind have their moments I have still come so far and I am still better than I was. MAN. So grateful…I want to keep the progress going because in recovery if you’re not moving forward you’re slipping behind.

Reaching Out, Being of Service, and Pushing Through

The night I moved in to sober living I connected with one of my house mates and went to a meeting at a really cool art gallery. Before we got there we went and got Dutch Bros (vey delicious coffee shop) around 8:30pm… BAD IDEA. I was a wide awake ALL night! LOL. But I put it to good use. I expressed some of my feelings through writing which I will share at the end. I got showered and ready and went to go help out at an NA event called “March Metal Madness”.

I hadn’t really been of service in a while and it was really good! I was exhausted and I wondered if people thought I was “tweaked” lol but I know I wasn’t so I’m not tripping I helped set up tables, tents and stack sodas and then I went home and got my daughter dressed and brought her back to the event with me and we served the sodas and water! I am pretty proud of myself for not falling apart. I did pretty good. And it was nice to see so many of the same addicts who I’ve been seeing for years staying clean as well as newcomers like me desperate for recovery. I want to be of service more and really take my recovery up a notch.

 

 

I am going to try and stay in the present and not project into the future or dwell on the past. In      this moment I am safe, fed, loved, blessed, employed, healthy, alive and most of all CLEAN. I know it will get better if I just keep doing the next right thing.

 

Prayer From the Heart

God,

Thank you for another day alive and another free from active addiction. Thank you for waking me up with people who love me, for a safe place to lay my head and for all of my possessions. Thank you for my mother, daughter and the relationship I have building with them. Please help me to become a whole mother and a dependable daughter that they can be proud of and turn to. Please protect them from all hurt, harm and danger.

Thank you for the job I get to work at and the people I work with please bless everyone and propel them towards success. Thank you for my Poppy and his presence in my life, being a real father and always being real and firm but gentle. Thank you for my amazing sponsor and the way she encourages me to be better and to do the right things and grow while learning to live sober. Thank you for the 12-step programs and all the people who contribute to carrying the message of hope.

Please bless everyone I’ve ever crossed paths with and please forgive me for my wrongs and help me to forgive those who have wronged me. Thank you for loving me despite me and helping me to learn to love myself. Please free me from fear, resentment, anger, anxiety, paranoia and hopelessness. God please bless me with courage, hope, strength, and willingness. Help me to cultivate into the women you created me to be not what I had become. I love you and need you.

Amen

Current Feelings

Gratitude and Hope

I am very grateful I woke up this morning to have another opportunity to be better than I was yesterday however I feel like I am slowly falling apart but I really don’t want to believe that. I want to hold onto hope that “this too shall pass” and that my higher power still has me and didn’t bring me this far from drowning to leave me to dry up on the beach.

Ohh the beach that sounds nice, I wish I was dipping my toes in the sand right now, then letting the waves splash over me and be connected to nature for a while.

Honestly

I am not gonna lie I am just a little bit overwhelmed and stressed.

My car is having problems again, I don’t have ANY money to get it fixed or to even buy an iced coffee. 😦 (I live for iced coffee) I am kind of depressed but that won’t get me very far so I am just trying to do the next right thing in front of me.

It was brought to my attention by a family member( as if I didn’t already know) that my mom is my biggest enabler and if it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t survive. Nor would I have any of the things I have in  life and need to get my shit together basically because she won’t be taking up the slack for me and my daughter if we all move into this house together.

Wow. I’m kind of irritated. This person who is supposed to be family always seems to jump on the opportunity to tell me how she really feels not necessarily to HELP me but more so in a passive-aggressive way to stick a finger in the wound.

But I know I have come a long way and  I know that its okay to ask for help, the program has taught me that. I am learning and its progress not perfection. I know I’m going to become more independent as I continue to make good choices and prove to myself I can be responsible.

Self-Inventory

I am lacking in quite a few areas right now; financially, socially, mentally, and physically. I am going to feel the effects of my hours this paycheck 😦 because I have been having a rough couple of weeks especially being on this new medication. Oh well I am grateful, very grateful to have a job that I love and has my back.

Socially, I am not that great in the area of building and keeping relationships/friendships. I feel lonely and alienated when it comes to my social life and wish I could make it more fulfilling and consistent. I have many different associates but not many close relationships. I will work on that and try to reach out more and follow through with the connections I make.

I also really really need to work on getting healthy.  I am gaining weight by the minute and it is starting to affect my self esteem.  I look in the mirror and don’t really appreciate what I see because I know it is a result of my poor choices in eating and then I build yet another resentment towards myself.

Pushing Through with Prayer

I’m not gonna stay stuck in this frame of mind though I know that I am loved, beautiful (regardless of my size or what I lack), I do have friends I just need to cultivate relationships, stay focused on work and fulfilling my hours and start making better eating choices and working out.

I ask my HP to guide me and keep me on the path and fill me with His loving spirit, protect me from the confinements of my mind and other people. Watch over, bless and protect my mother, daughter and loved ones. I ask that He remove my will from me and direct my thoughts and actions, free me from self will, fear, anxiety, self loathing and doubt. Please bless all those I have crossed paths with and help me to learn to love myself, give and receive love. Amen.

Update: Butterflies and No Sleep

I thought that Valentine’s Day was going to be depressing as I didn’t have a special person to display my love to, but the contrary was I had TWO special people to acknowledge that day. My beautiful, patient, supportive mother and my pretty, precious, sweet baby girl became my focus on Valentine’s Day.

Surprisingly I didn’t think twice about not receiving flowers or candies or cuddles from a handsome man devoting all his love to only me; I showered my girls with flowers and candies and cuddles and we proceeded to Butterfly Wonderland!

We experienced learning about different insects and moths, and butterflies. We watched a 3D movie about the Monarch and then we went into “Wonderland” and thousands of butterflies flew all around us and a couple even landed on us! It was great! Spending quality time with my angels filled my spirit and made me think…this is what’s important.

I am slowly learning to love and appreciate just being me as I am, well I think my Higher  Power is forcing me to because doors have closed all around me and none are really opening so I am forced to be okay with just me and what I have; my feelings, emotions, thoughts, looks, people in my life or not in my life…everything.

It’s okay.

I’m not a size 2 or even a size 7 and I have to accept that I AM beautiful regardless. I will focus on losing my desired amount of weight when things fall more into place in my life until now take me or leave me….whatever. I have many scars I choose to call battle scars and they represent the pain I’ve gone through and overcome. They may not be appealing to the eye but to me they are just as special as my tattoos.

I had been kind of “in my disease” in the area of sex. “The getting and using and finding means and ways to get more.”

I felt like I NEEDED it, had to have it…and it was making me a little unmanageable.

Getting honest with myself and my sponsor and vaguely sharing at meetings took some of the power away. I am so grateful for my Higher Power, my mom and daughter, the 12-step program, the company I work for, recovery, my sponsor, and the tools I am developing.

Even though I am doing pretty well overall and have come such a long way, I must also acknowledge that I experience mental illness and the past few days it has really been overwhelming me. I do not wear his as a badge of honor in fact it causes me much shame and embarrassment but as much as it tries to pull me down. My Higher Power and determined inner self fight to pick me back up.

I have been experiencing extreme paranoid/delusional thoughts that are probably irrational but feel so painfully real. Some of the thoughts are that people are plotting or scheming to hurt me or my family and make me “pay” for whatever the reason my mind tells me would be fit.

I didn’t sleep not a wink last night.

I had a knife in hand and listening alertly for sounds and movement. This is very embarrassing to talk about but it is what I am going through.

I thought that not using drugs would make these thoughts go away and though the drugs exacerbated these feelings, abstinence of the substance did not make them disappear in fact they have “returned with a vengeance” pun intended.

I had thoughts of seriously harming myself last night and causing extreme harm to whoever would try to hurt me or my family. Living with a co-occurring disorder in recovery is like living in a prison cell with a view of the beach.

I am grateful however that I am learning to accept it and continue to move forward in my life despite confinements of the prison that is my mind.

Running on no sleep at all isn’t really helping the situation but I am glad for who and what I have in my life. I am doing the very best I can and  even if these thoughts are real I can’t control what happens or doesn’t happen and I’m going to do my best to stay focused on the good and face whatever comes my way with my Higher Power and those that love me.

Poetry from the Spirit

“Surrender to Win”

I rise from my knees and now I proceed to surrender

Surrender to win

My weapon to victory lies within this pen

I abandon the futile battle of the flesh

I’ll transcribe my pain and shame

Move on and start fresh

I’ve sinned, humiliated myself; for that I am embarrassed

A bastard child from birth however,

I’ve been blessed with a phenomenal mother

And a few dedicated surrogate parents

Still self-loathing and pathetic I became

After a variety of empty “escapes”

My once simple life would never be the same

I had goals, dreams, and aspirations

I placed them in a bottle,

Call it Alcoholic Abdication

“Methed up” suffocation

Verbal Rationalization

Co-dependent justification

Reacting on pure self-hatred

I blossomed into a “twacked out” sensation

Years passed, cities changed

I became ashamed of my own name

It was never greener on the other grass’s side

My heart was crushed the day my first love died

Relationships ended, I should’ve been dead

So many transgressions I tried to forget

Pushed so much love away

Tears streamed down my face

After 24 years I’ve just found my way

So much absence of light where I ran

The only place I belong is in my higher power’s hands

I choose to call Him “God” sometimes “Dad”

From the grips of Hell: A place I’d been so long

I was dusted off, covered up and told to “carry on”

“I’ve got this from here” a powerful voice said

“Have no fear” He Shouted

“Since you called on me, your wreckage is forgotten…

I am your savior, protector, and guide

You tried to ignore me, but from me you cant hide”

“I was there in the beginning; I’ll be there in the end…

All those times you thought I left you, I was also there then

You my child I have big plans for

They are written with a future, a hope and so much more

The same demons that chase you: they fear my sword,

Though they still may taunt you I’ll give you the strength to endure”

“It has been written, I am the ONE for whom to save your tainted soul

I gave the world my perfect Son

For your mistakes heartaches and Eternal Freedom”

“Its time for you to spread what you’ve heard

For this reason I’ve given you a gift and a tool;

Creative Spoken Word

The glory will be MINE

And in me you will find

A true LOVE so Divine

Unlike that of mankind

The Freedom of choice is theirs to keep

I offer forgiveness, life, and ETERNITY

If the wrong choice is made

In their beds the stray will lay

Still those who believe in me will weep

They will sadly whisper amongst themselves

Saying ‘into the darkness they shall dwell’…

For they chose not to hear or see

And arrogantly refused to BELIEVE”

I sat down quickly and sighed then began

To cry wondering why I was chosen

But alas I give up on being “All Knowing”

I realize that’s not my job

To figure things out and pick and prod

God grant me the serenity to let it all go for inside your whole armor

Into a spiritual warrior I will grow

Into the battles you send me I will go

You freed me from captivity into which I was sent

Convicted me of all my transgressions and humbly I repent

Questions will be asked no more

I’ll let my knees hit the floor

My eyes I pray stay focused on you

And everything that challenges me

I have faith you’ll help me through

I will stumble but never fall

For it’s your name I will call

The angels you sent are all around

I see them in the strangest places

Random and familiar faces

I commit to make a change

To practice faith and fight until my dying day

My baby girl will say “I thank God for my mom and

I’m not ashamed, she wasn’t perfect

But in the Lord she had faith

Spread his word and found a new life in His name

God is great and he is so good

Through His love and grace

I got to have a mom otherwise I never would”

-I.Renee