It has been a couple weeks since I’ve written and I kind of just need to release honestly and share my humanity with those who may understand.
After moving into the sober living and making some connections with the women there, attending a meeting a day, I ultimately realized I couldn’t afford it so I ended up moving back home. It was a great experience, a new experience that I am grateful to have had. Being there gave me a sense of independence and self- sufficiency that I hope to continue to cultivate even though I’m back home with my mom.
But that wasn’t what I wanted to share, that isn’t what I need to share. There is healing in the truth. So please allow me to heal.
In the Hands of my Higher Power
I don’t know what pushed me over the edge but I was grateful my higher power caught me. Being in recovery has been one hell of a journey and by the graces of God I am alive today to walk that path he has laid out for me.
I was flirting with disaster and my friend was my wing-man. Though we are both newcomers to recovery, somehow we thought we could help each other. What started as a normal discussion with a friend turned dangerous and was almost the very decision that took my life. My friend and I were talking about escaping our feelings and pressures by getting high. Going into detail divulging our hidden desires to use and abuse. Being sober comes with great willpower and confidence, and at the time I felt drained of all of that.
The conversation became so intense that our stomachs started bubbling and we felt the sensations as if we were already on our way to pick up. Well we kinda were.
It startled me how much I wanted, pined, desired to throw it all away. We went back and forth about why we shouldn’t yet how good it would feel for just that one moment of weakness; for just one moment for that high that I abandoned long ago. My friend even reminded me to look into the back seat and to see my daughter’s car seat, my heart sank and my stomach dropped. What was I thinking?
We would both look at each other to reassure one another that getting loaded was behind us, that we would not go that far beyond a wild conversation, but I knew inside how I felt.
The struggle was real, the craving was real, and in that moment I was vulnerable.
We didn’t use but I surely hated my disease at that point. Feeding that hunger that I have been able to control for so long drained me causing me to crash. To forget about my daughter, to forget about my mother, my health, my friends; all of those things that matter more to me than a fix slipped out of sight leaving me more vulnerable than I imagined.
I felt like the germs on the back of a toilet in a dirty gas station for having those thoughts. I hated myself for being an addict and that manifested thoughts of other ways I hated myself. Yet again, I was confined to the prison that is my dark mind.
Calling my mom, I cried all the way home desperately trying to latch on to her for support in my moment of crisis. I knew that this moment would define me, this moment, my moment of uncertainty could be my last.
I got home and felt so resentful, hopeless, defeated (cursed even) and I wasn’t in a good place.
I tried to be rational, to remember all the things that I was grateful for and could easily lose but my disease was relentless and my mind quickly dismissed love with self-loathing. It dismissed appreciation and gratitude for self centeredness and carelessness I wasn’t in a good place at all. I was torn. I wanted to use so bad.
I was caught in a downward spiral and the hands I was reaching for were so far out of my reach ( in my mind) I was pulled under.
I was going to check the fuck out and I had a nasty plan to end it all.
I had just filled my psych prescriptions the other day and with my hands clutching the bottles I thought to myself ” I could take all these meds and then it will all be okay.”
In my final moment of rational thought I reached out to my sponsor and texted her what I was thinking.
Staring at my phone for a reply my mind was overcome with destruction and conviction.
Negative thoughts polluted my mind and I buckled under the struggle of self-worth and despair until I shattered into a million pieces.
I anticipated a response a few moment longer.
Hands shaking with doom, I went downstairs with the bag of pills consumed with my decision.
The Final Countdown
You would like to think I was fearful or unsure, but at that moment the weight of the world on my shoulders was all I feared and the only thing I was unsure about was how many would be enough.
I grabbed a water bottle, dumped the pills in my hand and took them all in 2 swigs. Not 5 or 10; but 30 pills entered my system. I was on a roller coaster called Lithium and Risperdal and the destination was oblivion and beyond.
Of all the feelings that I felt, being frantically rushed to the hospital in front of my mom and my daughter made me feel so disconnected and shameful, reminded me of all those times my mom tried to rescue me from the pits of hell and I slammed the door leaving her on the other side, and I vowed from that moment once I get stable I am going to do my utmost to LIVE for me, for them.
I was in that hospital for three days giving me time to reflect and heal from the abuse I caused my body, and the burden and hurt I left on my family and job one more time. I learned how persistently my addiction and co-occurring disorder worked against me and how the cravings nearly ended me.
Now, I feel a stab of regret. How I was willing to leave it all behind, my daughter, my mother, my friends, my employment. Ingesting those pills instead of finding another solution will weigh heavy on my conscious. But that weight will remind me from this moment forward of what not to do. It will remind of who I do not want to be, it will remind me of what I almost left behind and it will remind me that my actions do not only affect me.
Upon my release, I felt like it was a brand new day and I had a new perspective. I was actually grateful to be alive, the air smelled different and my un-bathed skin glistened in the sun. I reflected on the fact, I could have died, I took enough pills to kill me and it would have been a very uncomfortable road to oblivion. But it wasn’t my time to go and it isn’t my decision to make. More importantly there is still purpose in my life.
The Comforts of Family
My beloved grandma and favorite, endearing aunt are here visiting from the East Coast and I am so happy to have them here. My aunt has been in recovery for 7 years and has been a very instrumental part in my recovery. My grandma gets to see me in a good place for once and I am so thrilled to be able to be present while she’s here and we can enjoy each other, because as she reminds me often she “won’t be here for much longer.”
I have an amazing, resilient, patient, supportive mother if you haven’t noticed already. She really puts the “P” in phenomenal. I wish she could have all that she deserves and I hope to one day make her proud.
We have a small but beautiful and blessed family (me, my mother and my daughter, extended friends & family) that unfortunately many never have the opportunity to exist with.
I am blessed and I thank my Higher Power everyday, throughout the day for all my blessings and lessons. I ask for Him to help me become the woman he created me to be and ask for forgiveness for what I had become.
Upon returning to work I had a very good meeting with my understanding boss who enforced some expectations but also encouraged me and lifted me up. I work in a place that accepts my disabilities and learning curve, and allows for me to be myself in an environment based around recovery and growing. I am so grateful for that and appreciate being there. I ask my HP to help me to be the best employee I can be no matter the task.
My grandma’s 82 birthday was the just the other day and we went to Red Lobster for dinner but before we could sit down my grandma got sick so we took her home and ordered Chinese. Then grandma blew out candles on a very rich chocolate birthday cake! She loved it.
I am learning to learn from my mistakes and to forgive myself. I am also learning that running never gets me anywhere. I have to walk through whatever I am faced with and as long as I don’t use or die I have a chance of making it through to the other side to another victory.