Since I last posted a lot has happened; I had attended a 30-day substance abuse treatment center in which I re-learned and developed some tools to help me get back on track. I went back to work (at a treatment center) with my beloved boss and co-workers and due to budget cuts was laid off (not fired). I also published a heartfelt book of poems that I have accumulated over time here is the link if you are interested: Check this out on Amazon ❤
Despite some throbbing challenges in my life and behaviors I have been feeling relatively positive and energized about my life and recovery. Moving back in with my mom and daughter has been the best possible situation for me right now. They are my home. I am beyond grateful to be able to be close to them and share in each other’s lives and be a part of my daughter’s growth.
But aside from all the gifts being in recovery has given me; which are many and I am grateful for…I have also become aware. I have become aware of myself and the things that need to change, the progress I have made and how far I have yet to go. It’s like being naked in Times Square. At least that is what it feels like sometimes…just bare, raw.
And I am learning running doesn’t get me anywhere fast.
I have to walk through the situations that arise not run or use to escape and that is HARD. I am addicted to MORE. I realize that my addiction affects me in every area of my life. I want to grow and to become better in all areas of my life but I know if I don’t get a grip on my spiritual void I will never make it.
This week I am going to practice full on rigorous honesty in everything I do because they also say “secrets keep you sick” and I want to be well. The acronym for Denial is D-ont E-even N -o I-am L-ying. That is where I have been in and didn’t even realize it. I am so thankful for awareness and others people’s ability to see what I can’t see to help guide me and redirect me.
I have been spending more quality time with my daughter and it has been awesome. I want to be a better mother for her, she tells me I am the “best mommy ever.” She has the sweetest energy and purest soul I wish she could stay this age forever. I remember what I was like at 8 and 9 and I am TERRIFIED of what that is going to look like when the time comes. For now she is my sweet, precious innocent baby girl who sees me the way God sees me and loves me with a pure heart.
I am inspired.
I put the book of poems together to see it done for myself and to share my heart and soul with whoever took an interest. I will continue to try and spread the word and am also working on a second book (more autobiographical) and look forward to its completion.